Numerology by an Average Joe

It has been said that numbers can carry a greater meaning than simply giving a numeric value. In many cases numbers are linked to superstition, religions, cultures, and (even more vague and mysterious) statistics. The symbolism and meaning behind numbers can seem very complicated, so let me simplify it for you. I have assembled a list of what I believe to be some of the luckiest number-related happenings. Many of these events have happened in my own life, and I can tell you that luck has certainly followed.

First, (this happened to me yesterday) if you ever have a total bill for $7.11 at 7-11, that is a good sign. Something good is coming your way, like a slurpee.  This amazing event brings with it outstanding luck.  As a matter of fact, I'm fairly sure that the only thing luckier is if you spend $7.11 at 7-11 on 7/11! If that ever happens, go ahead and throw caution into the wind, my friend, because you are untouchable. You are so lucky, you could even buy a hot dog at 7-11 and you probably won't die of food poisoning or a spontaneous rupture in your small intestine (a common, but little known side affect of 7-11 hot dogs). Make sure you give it a go on July 11th this year.

The next numeric sign of good luck is far more common. If you ever look at a digital clock (must be digital) at exactly 12:34 in the afternoon, the rest of your day will be fantastic. Now, for this to work there are a few rules. First, you cannot plan or anticipate it happening, it has to be accidental and spontaneous, true serendipity. Second, it has to be 12:34 in the afternoon, if it happens at 12:34 in the morning you have a two things working against you: a) in military time, which is far more precise (numbers prefer precision) it is actually 00:34, which is neither cool, nor lucky. And b) YOU'RE AWAKE AT 12:34 AM!!! Get some rest.  No day will be lucky if you sleep through it.

Finally, if you ever see the number 3.14 (π) in any form (3/14, 3 1/4, 3.14, 3:14, $3.14, etc) and you eat pie on the same day, you will have extra luck as well. Pie and Pi (π) are two different things that are actually cosmically related. I made a chart to explain.

So, after looking at the chart and realizing the infallible logic involved, it becomes painfully clear that any time pi and pie are connected in some way, luck will follow.

Hopefully this brief explanation of luck and numerology will prove beneficial to you as you journey through life day by day. I have found that is has made my life much more enjoyable. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, 'Joe' based numerology only brings good luck, never bad. I'm just an optimistic guy.

Sincerely,

An 'Average' Joe

The Groom's Guide to Planning a Wedding

I have a few friends this summer who are taking the plunge into the pool of matrimonial bliss.  With that in mind I want to say congratulations to all of those who are getting married.  No state of being provides as much joy or happiness in this life.
For those of you currently taking the plunge, let me give you some advice.  Now I know you're getting tons of marriage advice, some good (focus on service and patience), and some not as good (don't forget which toothbrush is yours), but all of it is focused on the time after your wedding.  The real challenge in marriage is getting to the wedding.  Being engaged has nice points, but it is also a period of stress, uncertainty, changing relationships, and dangerous expectations.  My advice, therefore, will not be marriage advice, it will be engagement advice.  I will help you navigate the social minefeild that is engagement.

The first rule, and really the only rule, is that she is right.  It doesn't really matter who she is (fiance, mother, mother-in-law-to be, 87 year old woman next door) she is right, and if you differ in opinion, you are not.  This is one of the most timeless and unchanging laws of nature.  Though your opinion may be asked for on every detail, don't be surprised when none of your opinions are used or even recognized during your engagement.  Don't misunderstand me, marriage is meant to be a bond of equality, with neither the husband nor the wife as the dominant force.   That is not the case during the engagement period.  While engaged she is in charge, you are not.  If there is a difference of opinion on what color to use, what invitations to purchase, or what tuxedo you should rent, go with her idea.  Why?  Because she's right!

Now, you may think this means you have no responsibilities, right? Wrong!  You may not have any decision making powers, but you certainly have responsibilities.  They are to 1) facilitate and 2) support.  Each one of these is very important.  According to Webster Dictionary, to facilitate means to make easier or assist in the progress of something.  That means you do what you can to make it easier on her.  Bring her food when she's out looking at florists or photographers all day.  If there's some other task, non-wedding related, that she need help with, help her out.  If she's feeling so tired she can't think straight, don't beg her to go see the Avengers for the 9th time that week, take her home and let her go to bed.  Facilitate the wedding planning process.

Second, Support the wedding plans.  That means whatever she chooses, do it with a smile on your face.  If she says, I want you to wear a bright orange tux with little blinking LED lights in the lapels, put that jacket on and act like it's the sexiest tux ever tailored.  If she asks you to go with her to shop for bridesmaid dresses, something no groom has ever or will ever pay attention to, offer to drive.  Go, smile, and when she asks you what you think, respond with anything, I repeat ANYTHING other than "I don't care."  You may not care, you may never really care, but that's not important.  What's important is that she feels like you've got her back and she has support.

So again, congratulations and may your marriage be filled with joy and happiness.  But for now, remember, she's right and your job is to facilitate (make easier) and support (showing up physically AND mentally).  Just remember guys, play your cards right now, and she'll make you happier than anything for the rest of your life. 
Oh, and a special thank you to my wife, who I'm certain was far more patient with me than I realize during our engagement.  She's amazing.

Sincerely,
An 'Average' Joe

Play with your food, it may taste better!

One of the best things in the world is cake. Who doesn't love cake? However, the greatest kind of cake, by far, is the Bundt cake. A Bundt cake is king! It's even shaped like a crown. It doesn't matter the flavor, just being a Bundt makes it the best. Why? There's a hole in the middle! I'm not sure why baking cake batter in the shape of a ring makes such a big difference, but it does (see donuts as further proof). At the end of the day, that's really the only difference. Conclusion: The shape of your food matters.

The shape of the food doesn't just affect cakes, it affects everything. For example, any type pasta is basically the same thing in different shapes. It's amazing how the same dough molded into forms can change the flavor of the food. Have you ever had alfredo sauce over spaghetti noodles? It's not right! It doesn't just look off, it tastes off. Have you ever tried to put macaroni in lasagna? Failure, once again! Each type of noodle is made from the same dough recipe. The only difference is the shape, and it matters.

Another example of shape making all the difference is Mexican food. Let's face it; most dishes are the same ingredients in different forms. Burritos are just big tacos that you close. Enchiladas are basically small burritos smothered in sauce. Tostadas are just the product of someone forgetting to close the hard taco shell before they fried it. In the end, they are the same dish served in different formats. Again, you think that since we chew food the layout or shape of the dish wouldn't matter. Put the same ingredients in and it will taste the same, right? Wrong! Anybody who knows Mexican food knows that a Tostada tastes nothing like a burrito (and frankly are far more hazardous, but that's another story).

So always remember how important the shape of your food can be. If something you cook tastes nasty, shape it differently. If you make tuna casserole that doesn't get the family excited, cut it into a circle and call it something else, like Tuna Rolloni. They won’t just love it, they'll brag about you to their friends (my mom makes the best Tuna Rolloni in the world) If you bake some cookies and accidentally switch the measurements of salt and sugar, cut them into triangles and put a little glaze on top (glaze is just wet sugar). It will be the life of the party and people will beg you for your recipe. As we have learned from Bundt cake, pasta, and Mexican food, what really matters in the shape, so be creative.

Sincerely,

an "average" Joe

Who better to fix our TV shows than Colin Powell?

Colin Powell is one of the greatest military leaders of our times. One of his contributions to American foreign policy is the Powell Doctrine. It is a list of questions to ask before engaging in an international conflict.  If all of the questions can be answered in the affirmative, then it may be appropriate for a country to use military action. Here are the questions:

1.      Is a vital national security interest threatened?

2.      Do we have a clear attainable objective?

3.      Have the risks and costs been fully and frankly analyzed?

4.      Have all other non-violent policy means been fully exhausted?

5.      Is there a plausible exit strategy to avoid endless entanglement?

6.      Have the consequences of our action been fully considered?

7.      Is the action supported by the American people?

8.      Do we have genuine broad international support?^[1]

Now, as a student of International Relations, I have studied the Powell Doctrine and have found it to be incredibly useful. But the Powell Doctrine is not limited to simply weighing whether or not we should send our troops into battle (although that is certainly the most important thing it does). It can also be applied to whether or not a TV show should exist. The same principles apply. Let me walk you through each questions, adjusting them to fit TV rather than international conflict.

1) Is the TV show going to satisfy a national television interest? If not, don't make it. Don't make shows that nobody is going to care about (I'd name some, but I don't care about them enough to know what they are called). Don't make shows that are just a copy cat of other shows (How many versions of American Idol can we come up with).

2) Does the show have a clear intelligible plot? I cannot tell you how many shows I have stopped watching because I couldn't keep track of who was who and what the heck was going on. Battlestar Galactica, while good, had too many main characters to track. And have you seen Once upon a Time? These are fairytales we grew up with, and I'm completely lost!

3) Has the plot been fully thought out? How many shows have you seen that they seem to be making the plot up as they go? Or aren't sure what the plot even is? I know White Collar gave me emotional whiplash with how many times the main character goes from loyal partner to lying jerk.

4) Have all other good shows been completed? Who isn't tired of good shows being cancelled to make room for shows we wish we'd never heard of?  Life, starting Damian Lewis, was a great show. It had two fantastic seasons, the second of which was by far the better one. Then WHAM!!! No more Life! I'm not sure what took its place, but I'm sure it wasn't worth losing a show we all loved.  If you're going to cancel a TV show, please finish the story.

5) Do you have a plausible plan to end the series? One of the worst things that can happen to a TV show is that it makes it to a 5th season. Before a network begins a new series, they need to ask themselves how the story will end. Monk, Bones, House, and Psych all suffer from this.  Now it seems that Castle is dragging us down the road of never-ending conspiracies and plot twists.  Please, don't destroy our favorite shows because you want to get syndicated.  The only thing worse than a good show being cancelled is watching what used to be a good show and wishing they would cancel it. 

6) Are we sure we have enough material to actually do a show? The purpose of point number 6 in the Powell Doctrine is to double check that we've covered everything else. With regards to TV, the writers and producers should ask themselves, are we sure we have enough material to make a TV show? Some great examples are Psych and Community, two of the funniest shows I've ever seen. But let’s face it, you know the writers are running out of ideas when every episode is based on some movie, or set of movies, rather than coming up with their own plots. Here's a good rule of thumb, when you've done 5 movie themed episodes in a row, it’s time to call it quits.

7-8) Is anyone going to want to watch the show?  The last two principles of the Powell Doctrine apply to television in the same way.  Unfortunately, many good shows are ignored, while many bad shows are watched by everyone and their dog. Why does television make bad shows? Simply because we watch them!  I know that bad TV can be addicting (I once watched an entire season of the Bachelor).   Fight it! Stand up for yourself! If you can't muster the courage to quit bad TV for yourself then quit bad TV for the people you love. Stop watching the dumb shows so that your loved ones are not subjected to them. They will thank you someday.

May your television be filled with good plots, interesting characters, and a clear ending.

Sincerely,

An 'average' Joe

The Bye Week

Between Christmas and New Years lies an awkward week when the world refuses to work, but has nothing planned. It is a dull week wedged between the climax of one year and the beginning of the next. I call this week the "bye week."  It is a week of wasting time, accomplishing nothing, and doing so proudly.
The bye week comes but once a year, and so to help you make the least of this time I have compiled a list of great time-wasting activities for your enjoyment. These activities have a few traits in common.  1) They take time, something you lack most of the year, but have in excess on the bye week. 2) The only thing they provide is something to brag about when you don’t care to impress anyone. 3) They can be a lot of fun.

However, before I we proceed I must warn you, this list is only for use during the bye week. Use of it any other time of year will get you labeled as a lazy-good-for-nothing by your parents, your boss, and that member of the opposite sex you want to impress.  Now, for the fun:
 
1)Movie Marathons
Years ago, a ironic genius took the word ‘marathon’ (one of greatest tests of physical endurance known to man) and put the word 'movie' in front of it, creating one of the laziest things man can do. Movie marathons are the perfect activity for the bye week. They provide mindless entertainment for an extend period of time. I would suggest a theme marathon.  For example you could choose a series such as Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or James Bond. Another option would be to choose an actor, for example, Val Kilmer movies.  You can be very creative on the themes.  Some ideas include movies about a particular historical event, movies that all take place in the same place (such as Pennsylvania), or movies with a title that gives away the plot.  It doesn't matter what you watch, it matters that you watched too much while consuming way too many calories.

2)Puzzles
This may be the world’s greatest time-wasting activity. Here's a brief review of how to do a puzzle. First, you see a picture on a box. Second, you open the box and dump out a bunch of little pieces out that are all different shapes and sizes. Third, you painstakingly place each piece in the exact position necessary to complete the puzzle (this step is dangerous, because if you lose even one piece, you compromise your sanity). Finally, you finish the puzzle and get to look at the very same picture you saw on the front of the box hours before. If you are looking for the perfect bye week activity, you've found it!
 
3)Facebook Social Games
There are tons of these games. You've seen the invites, the notifications, and the requests over and over. You, like everyone else, have probably unfriended at least 11 people because they played these games and flooded your facebook page with their never ending requests. Well, the bye week is the perfect time to give in and satisfy your curiosity.  Go ahead and see what these games are all about. You can try any of them, Farmville, Mafia Wars, Castleville...the list goes on.  Work hard at it, send the invites, and invest the time. You'll find a great sense of achievement when you've reached a level 30 on whatever game you've chosen, and your virtual assets are in the billions. It's your turn to annoy everyone you know with those requests. You may even spark up some old friendships getting your virtual empire up and running. Just remember, at the end of the bye week, all of this will be meaningless, and you're going to have to give up the game entirely.  Quitting cold turkey may seem easy now, but once your addicted you’ll have withdrawals (and relapses can be embarrassing).
 
So as you chose which bye week activity you're going to use, remember that all great time wasting activities have two things in common: you get a sense of accomplishment after having accomplished nothing and you're embarrassed to talk about it in front of your in-laws.
 
Happy Bye Week!

Sincerely,

an 'average' Joe

A Procrastinators Guide to Surviving Christmas Eve (and Christmas Eve-Eve)

It's Christmas time!  Who doesn't love the Christmas spirit. I know that my posts typically falls on the less-than-serious side of life. That's good.  I feel that I fall on the less-than-serious side of life.  But in a very serious, nevertheless cheerful way, let me wish you a very merry Christmas.  It truely is a wonderful time of year, and a holiday that deserves no reservations in laughter, joy, or charity.  Merry Christmas!

Now, on a lighter note, I know that there are probably still a few things you need to do to complete your Christmas celebration.  Even though it is December 23rd, I'm sure there are still a few gifts to buy, presents to wrap and decorations to be hung.  Let me give you some advice on how to survive the last two days of the Christmas Season as a procrastinator.  Heed my advice here, and you will find yourself successful in your Jolly endeavors.  Ignore it, and you will find yourself lost in a sea of deseperation, ugly wrapping paper, and a reputation as a bad gift-giver.

First, and most importantly, aviod Walmart!  Walmart brags of two things, low prices and a broad selection.  You can buy nearly anything at Walmart, and usually at some pretty good prices.  The problem is that you and about 2 billion other people, plan on taking advantage of those prices and selection in the next 48 hours.   That is the perfect storm for bad last minute shopping!  Let me describe to you how the trip to Walmart will go:

1) You enter the store and immediately get smashed in the knee by some vicious assassin.  Yelling out in pain you look up to see the face of your attacker and you see the most frightening person imaginable, worse than Chuck Norris on sterroids.  You see a mother of 5 children under the age of 10, who hasn't had a chance to shower in two days, hasn't slept since Thanksgiving, and whose kids having been in school since Wednesday.  You will melt as  you look into the face of your attacker and see the murderous desperation as she yells, "What, are you blind?  Get out of my way!" Just move, my friend, as quickly as you can.  Say nothing, aviod eye contact.

2) You wander around the store for the next 7 hours.  Not out of choice mind you, you wanted to leave after the attack of the zero-sleep mother.  You have been looking for something that you have bought at walmart a hundred times before, but can't find it.  You did find it once, but an angry mob came down the aisle you were on and carried you away to the lawn and garden area, stealing your item out of your hands and dumping you on a lumpy pile of grass seed.  You never found the item again. 

3)After 7 hours of pure insanity, pain, and desperation, you grab a gift card, and get in line to check out.  It is only now that you realized that there are only 2 casheirs working right now, one is older than constitution (probably dated Thomas Jefferson's father) and the other is 17, and sure to never had worked a cash registar in his life.  The line goes from the cash registar back to the lawn and garden section where you were uncerimoniously dumped hours before.  You softly weep as you walk back to the end of the line, and sit on your very familiar sack of lumpy grass seed, knowing full well, you will be sleeping there that night.

4) Leaving the store, you get in the car, a broken man (with a knee injury from the evil assisain near the entrance).  You look down at your gift card purchase, only to realize that you just bought your wife a $30 gift card to Men's Warehouse.  You consider going back in, but don't have the heart (or the time) and so you drive away.

The Second and Third points of advice are:  Don't shop at Walmart withing 24 hours of Christmas and don't drive within 2 miles of the Walmart parking lot within 12 hours of Christmas.  Basically, if you need to do any last minute shopping, avoid Walmart (or any other large discount retailer).

Merry Christmas! 

Sincerly,

an 'average' Joe

It's not as good as a hot dog, but it's free!

Many people shop at warehouse stores such as Costco and Sam's Club for the benefits of bulk purchases, reduced cost, or the exercise involved in pushing an overloaded cart over three miles of aisles crowded with other people pushing oversized carts. It's an exciting experience no one should go without (and few people have). As for me, I love those stores because of the food. Don't be confused, I'm not talking about the large polish dogs that taste great but come with a heartburn backed guarantee. I'm talking about the free food; the reason children (and men in general) agree to accompany the women in their lives to Costco: the samples! Well, my brothers, today I am going provide you with a tactical approach to Costco samples that will vastly improve your Costco experience, giving you a great meal that will cost you little more than a bit of time (and possibly your dignity).

Step 1: Clean hands, clean grabs

As in all battle plans, preparation is the key. In this case, preparation means removing anything that makes your hands recognizable. That means no rings, no watches, and no painted fingernails (hopefully that last one goes without saying for all the gentleman).  If you're really serious about the craft I would suggest shaving your hands and getting a manicure to clean up those fingernails. The point of this preparation is to prevent the sample-servers from recognizing your hand as you go back for seconds (or thirds, or fourths). The goal of the operation is to get as many of your favorite samples as possible; ideally, the only part of you the servers will ever see is your hands.

Step 2: The eyes are the window... use the side door

Stealth is the key to getting the good samples repeatedly. There are a few keys to being stealth-like while pushing an oversized cart through a crowd of people. First, NEVER make eye contact. If you do, that sample booth is done; they will recognize you (and nothing hurts an ego more than having a middle-aged woman tell you to act your age in front of a bunch of 10 year-olds). Second, don't hover. If you hover, you'll get noticed. Nothing blows your cover worse than a little chit-chat with the sample-server. If you must stand close, act like your shopping. I suggest holding up some random item, pointing at it and yell as if talking to someone on the other side of the warehouse ("Is this the ground pork you wanted? I'm not sure how lean it is...")

Step 3: Don't let pride (or adulthood) get in the way

This is where you have to remember that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Those little 10 year-olds have nothing on you. You have the height, the reach, and strength. If one of those little kids tries to push past you, keep your stance firm. Don't push him (you'll get arrested) but hold your stance. Lock your elbows, reach over the top of them, and most of all make sure you practice your glare. Nothing is more effective at holding off a group of 10 year-olds then a good glare (picture a really grumpy old man and emulate). They'll back off.  Just don't let your 'maturity' get in the way. It's the downfall of many of the greatest contenders.

Just remember that you can either get a small sample that will only arouse your appetite and be hungry through the rest of the store; or you can use these simple tips and have a great meal. Just don't let your wife (or anyone else you want whose respect you hope to maintain) know what you’re doing. Like I said before, this meal is easy on the wallet, but hard on the dignity.

Bon Appétit -

An 'average' Joe

8016169110

8012433787

The Modern 'Roughing-It'

Mankind has always had a simple way to prove its strength, power, and natural abilities: the art of 'roughing it'.  'Roughing-it' is basically when a man (or woman, but not as often due to higher intelligence and sense) goes into something, such as camping trip, hunting, traveling, etc. woefully unprepared on purpose, determined that through sheer talent and ability, all will go well.  The stories that result from 'roughing it' come in one of two forms: (1) a grossly exagerated victory speech by the man who just had the most miserable experience of his life but insists it was exactly what he needed and/or intended, or (2) as a story on the 10 o'clock news. 

These days a new form of 'roughing it' has emerged that I am excited to say can cause little to no physical harm, though it does put yourself at risk emotionally and socially.  What is it, you ask... using inadequately low-tech gear!  For example, why pay the money for an expensive GPS navigation system in your car?  You've got a printer and google maps!  Just print them out and see what happens.  Usually, you'll be just fine.  If you hide the paper and make some convienent bathroom stops, you may even be able to claim you have a great sense of direction, something no man was ever born with (remember, Columbus was trying to get to India).  Just remember that google maps do not 'recalculate' should you make a wrong turn and get yourself lost (something I learned the hard way in the bay area in 2006). 

Another example of the modern 'roughing it', is using a dumb phone (aka a phone that does nothing except that which phones originally did).  Simply know the numbers of least 4 people that have a smart phone or another device with an internet connection (my mom, my sister-in-law, and my two little sisters are always on or near their devices).  If you need something looked up, just call one of them.  This form of modern roughing it can be very impressive if you pull it off.  You just say, "let me contact one of my people for that information." and discretely call one of your contacts.  If you get the information your friends and associates will think, "Wow, he's got people!  I wish I had people.  All I have is the stupid smart phone."  If you don't get the information, they will be thinking, "Wow, his people stink, I'll bet he just called his mom." and the mocking will begin. 

There are many advantages to this new form of roughing it: 1) No wild animals to eat you and so forth, 2) Zero possiblity of it making national television should something go wrong, and 3) food poisoning (and the unfortunate experience of having food poisoning while 'roughing it') is basically impossible.  Disadvantages, however, exist as well: 1) you are not secluded, people will notice any mistakes (and likely mock your inadequate low-tech gear), 2) should you fail, you cannot exaggerate the experience to your favor (again, you are with people), and finally, 3) there are no points for being 'brave enough' to try it.  You'll just look cheap and stupid.  Beware failure!

So head out and try the new form of roughing it.  Enjoy the lack of bear attacks and other bodily perils, and be sure to have a back-up plan should your mom not answer her phone.  Remember.  Most of the time, roughing it (whether the new form or the old form) simply results in borrowing a prepared persons stuff.  Good luck!

Sincerely,

an "average" Joe

The Original Social Network, or should I say Social Net-Woof?

It has been a while.  For an Average Joe, I've been uncommonly busy.  Please excuse my absence and the obvious lack of interesting thoughts.  Here's an interesting, albeit light-hearted thought for your enjoyment.  Plan on a post at least once a week from now on.

We humans believe that we are incredibly advanced.  We build homes, we wear clothes, we brush our teath (or at least we claim to brush our teath).  Social networking, one of the most incredible and influential additions to our social existence, has changed our lives.  But we cannot claim the originality of social networking, and neither can Mark Zuckerburg.  That honor belongs to man's best friend, the K9.

Dogs have been soical networking for years, by marking their territory everywhere they go.  They go outside and immediately start sniffing every tree, pole, and fire-hydrant in site.  They aren't interested in the tree.  They are interested in the status of the dogs they are friends with.  That smell tells them everything facebook does.  It tells them what their friends have eaten lately, where they've been, and updates them on their current relationship status.  Dogs enjoy the frequent and informative status updates and such offered by the original social network. 

So next time you take your dog for a walk, don't get frustrated at them for their wanting to stop, sniff and mark.  Let them check in on their friends, because you would hate it if some giant tied a rope around your neck and yanked you away from the computer everytime you saw a new notification.  Our animals deserve to have their social networks too.

Top Ramen: You never knew a dime could go so far!

My little sister moved to college today.  Congratulations, little sis!  You'll do great.  In her honor, and to help her out a little, I have decided that today's post will be a money saving oppurtunity.  I would like to give her, and all my readers, three great ways to use Top Ramen.  Now, a disclaimer, this advice is meant for entertainment only.  If you chose to try any of these three recipes please do so at your own risk, and don't blame me for any adverse affect to your breath, your social life or your colon. 

Now, the three great uses for Top Ramen:
1)A Delicious Soup - Nothing tastes better on a cold winter day than a hot pack of Top Ramen.  You can cook a package for next to nothing, and in next to no time.  I suggest you stick with the classics, beef or chicken flavor.  Don't expect there to actually be any beef or chicken, but the subtle flavor, masked by as much sodium as a person can safely consume will be enjoyable.  You'll love it.  I would recommend adding some peas and carrots to the broth for added flavor and improved texture.  Trust me, this dish can get you through the day, or at least to the next meal.

2)Collegiate Spagetti - Named for those who most commonly attempt this dish, collegiate spagetti is full of flavor, if you like ketchup and salt.  Just cook your noodles as usual, drain the broth, and add some ketchup.  If you're really handy in the kitchen, add some basil, or oregano.  Avoid anything with too much spice, as that can cause very adverse affects, including the possible implosion of your liver.  Also, while you may thing that ketchup is too expensive, remember, your local McDonald's has plenty of free ketchup packets.  Bon Appetite!

3)Cho Ramen Chow Mein - Take your taste buds east to Asia.  You'll love the simpleness of this recipe.  Just cook the noodles, drain the broth, put it back the pan with a little oil and stir-fry it up.  In the end, add a soy sauce packet or two that you can pick up at your local Panda Express.  For added cultural fun, grab a pair of chop sticks as well.  For instructions on how to use them, check youtube.  You'll love the flavor and really enjoy dive into east asian cuisine.

You probably never knew that Ramen Noodles could go so far.  Enjoy yourself as you discover the magical world the ten cents and a few packets stolen from your local fast food chain can do for you. 

Good luck to all you new college students.

Sincerely,

An 'average' Joe

Addendum/Retraction for Top 5 Best Worst Movies

So apparently there are some extreme Better Off Dead fans who read my blog, all of which were quite offended that I would add Better Off Dead to a list of 'bad' movies.  The Better Off Dead brigade did make a an excellent argument against it being a bad movie: it was intended to be what it was, a silly movie.  The story, acting and effects were right on target.  Calling this a bad movie is like referring to Tommy Boy as a bad movie.  They were accomplished exactly what they were meant to accomplish.  Therefore, I have decided to retract Better Off Dead as #2 on my list, and replace it with three more really great bad movies.

The moment I published the last post, I realized that I viciously neglected to include three other really great bad movies.  Preemptively, let me apologized if referring to these movies as bad offends anybody, I mean no offense.  Again, I love all of these movies, and while they are not Acadamy Award (or even Nickelodeon Award) worthy, I enjoy watching them again and again.  Here are the forgotten favorite bad movies to replace Better Off Dead:

1) Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
This is Kurt Russell at his best, and worst.  He plays the gruff and tough truck Jack Burton, who inadvertently gets sucked into an ancient Chinese war, which some how has migrated to Chinatown in San Francisco.  The effects in this movie are classic, and the Chinese warriors have great magic powers.  The 'storms' are especially fierce.  This movie's plot is the thing of dreams, bad dreams you have when you're sick with a fever.  However, Kurt Russell is genius, and his character has some of the best, most quotable lines of any movie ever made.  See it, and then watch it again and again.  You'll enjoy the journey.

2)Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)
This movie was intended to be the first of many adventures, in a series to rival James Bond or Jack Ryan.  The only problem is that this movie was a joke.  The acting is terrible, which is fine, because the story is so outlandish that you hardly notice.  Remo Williams is a ex-cop forcefully recruited to work as a super assassin for an agency intended to end the worst men of the world.  He is being trained by Chun, the Korean  martial arts master who can teach Remo to do great things, such as run on sand leaving no footprints and dodging bullets by listening to the hand muscles of the attacker.  That being said, the dialogue is very entertaining, the characters are wonderfully simple, and story is actually quite exciting.  I definitely recommend this movie as one of the best of the worst.  Add it to your library, and then be grateful they never made a sequel.

3)The Last Starfighter (1986)
Who ever said video games get you no where.  This movie proves otherwise when an intelligent boy living in the middle of nowhere beats an arcade game located in his trailer park and WHAM!  He's quickly visited by an alien who recruits him to serve as a starfighter in the intergalactic military.  He not only joins the alliance, he survives as the last starfighter, and saves the frontier from the emperor's evil (and really strange looking) son Xur and the Kodan Armada.  This is one of my favorite movies as well, with some great scenes, some fantastic characters, and a lot of funny situations.  If you can get past the side kick alien who looks like an iguana and is very in touch with his feminine side, you'll love it as much as I do.

Well, that's all folks.  Three more great bad movies to add to the list, and one removed.  Have fun with them.  My guess is that most of them are free on Netflix.  I'd recommend giving them a try.  You'll love them if you can let go of any desire for quality, and focus on the 'bright side' of terrible movies.

Sincerely,

An 'average' Joe

Top 5 Best Worst Movies: The ones you never should have seen, but have seen over and over.

What is a best worst movie? Its the type of movie that has no plot, terrible acting, obviously fake effects, and yet still seems to win our hearts, if not our obsession. I once read that a good movie is remembered while it's in the public's eye, a bad movie becomes part of us. We share it and spread it around like a bad cold. Well, I thought I would do my part and give you the list of five really bad movies that I love, and recommend that you see.

5) Capricorn One (1978)

This movie is a class great bad movie. It has it all. The plot is strange and hard to follow. The acting, while not bad, is crippled by cheezy lines. The movie itself has multiple really boring parts. That being said, I love this movie. It's a pure, classic conspiracy theory. There are a few really funny lines. I think you'll really enjoy it. This, by the way, is the only movie to make the list and not come out of the 80's. Not a surprising thought when one remembers the music and fashion to also come out of the 80's. It was a strange time and deserves to be remembered.

4)The Labyrinth (1986)

What happens when you combine David Bowie and the Muppets. Not a new take on classic literature. The muppets have done some seriously strange movies, but this one takes the cake and earns itself a place on this list. The two high points of the movie are David Bowie's song "Magic Dance." It's kinda creepy, fun to watch, and it cracks me up that he's holding a microphone, but never seems to put it by his mouth. Weird show! Word of warning, NEVER watch this show and eat pepperoni pizza, it will give you the strangest dreams you've ever had.

3) Condorman (1981)

This movie is a really funny movie from the 1980's starring the same man who was the original Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. Its about a comic book artist who ends up working as a super spy for the CIA. They travel all over Turkey, and end up in Monte Carlo. It has some of the worst writing ever, but the show is so much fun. I love it. You will too. Another warning, this movie has become a cult classic, so the DVD is VERY expensive (Don't expect a blue-ray to be released any time soon either) If you are dying to see it, let me know, I have a copy. By the way, despite what must be thousands of years of scientific evidence proving it impossible, Condorman actually flies using the wings in the picture to the left.

2)Better Off Dead (1985)

This movie will make you laugh harder than anything else you've ever seen. Of all the possible John Cusack movies that could have made this list, Better Off Dead won by a mile. The best friend is hilarious, the situations are so genius, and the story... well let's forget the story. It is a strange but intoxicating show. You will find yourself quoting it over and over, and laughing anytime any mentions street racing. I do have to say, watch out of the claymation hamburger scene, it will freak you out. This one, however, is a real keeper.

1)Time Bandits (1981)

This movie wins the award of the best worst moive! It has huge actors such as Sean Connery, John Cleese, and Shelley Duvall. The basic plot is too hard to explain, but it involves a team of little people, who stole a map that helps them travel through time stealing things. They accidentally kidnap a young boy meet Napoleon, Robin Hood, a greek royal, and end up combating pure evil. Overall, there is no plot. Once you see this show, you will never forget it. 

Well, watch these movies if you dare and open yourself up to the possibilites of great bad movie. But don't say I didn't warn you, you will never be the same after you have seen David Bowie as the Goblin King, John Cusack learn to ski to impress a girl, a group of 5 little people ripping off Napoleon, a comic book artist become a world class spy, and the government fake a Mars landing.

Sincerely,

An 'Average' Joe

Death by Super-Sonic Plastic Bag

Yesterday, I nearly died!  I'm not kidding.  This story deserves telling.  I was driving down the freeway, going maybe 70 mph.  It was a very hot day, and my air conditioner is on strike, and has refused to work for the entire summer.  As a result, I had to drive with the windows down.

Now, I've found that the best way to unroll the windows is to lower the front window on the driver's side all the way down, and the rear window on the passenger's side half way down. (It would be all the way down, but for those pesky child locks.)  Anyway, the windows were thus positioned, and I was happily driving a brisk 70 mph singing one of my favorite songs at the top of my lungs when I was suddenly, and viciously, attacked.

I was terrified, what ever was attacking me had a firm grip on the back of my head, and was pulling on my ear with a vengeance.  The already deafening sound of the car was washed out by this terrible animal's noise.  I reached up and ripped it from my head only to find that the terrible beast was nothing more than a plastic grocery sack blown into my car by the wind on the freeway.  No sooner had I made this discovery when the crazed animal lunged out of my hands and into the wind once again, surely to prey on some other poor driver with a broken air conditioner.

The moral of this story is: 1) never underestimate the power and danger of an angry plastic bag.  When they become angry, they also become vindictive and cruel. 2) Be careful not to open your windows too wide and drive too fast, apparently if you open them too wide, you open yourself to attack from freeway garbage. 3) If you, like me, find yourself victim of an angered plastic bag don't panic.  I repeat:  DON'T PANIC!  Their rustle is worse than their bite.

Good luck in your journeys.  May you travel safer than I have recently.

Sincerely,

an 'average' Joe

The Hip Holster of Heaven

In this modern day of 16 hour attacks on amusement parks, riding as many rides as possible and eating greasy foods and standing line for hours and hours, there is one accessory that can make your vacation go from fun to life changing. I refer to it as the hip holster of heaven, but most people refer to it as a fanny-pack.

Fanny-packs are known as a fashion faux pas. People insist they look ridiculous, and laugh when someone uses one, but I argue that they are better than any other satchel-like carrying case. Purses are not attached to your person, leaving them vulnerable to getting lost or stolen. Not to mention they cannot be used by men, leaving women to do all of the heavy lifting, and at the corn-dog stand, the men lack the power of the purse.



Backpacks are equally awkward, lest we forget, they are attached to your back. If little Johnny does something funny with his Mickey Mouse ears on, you won't have enough time to get out the video camera out. Not only will that memory be gone, but you'll never get your chance at $10000 and a chance to meet Tom Bergeron.

So, amusement park attendee's, let's make a stand. Let's stand up for not having a sweaty back! Let's stand up for a uni-sex carrying case! Let's stand up for not having to carry 30 pounds of electronics in our pants pockets and having our pants fall down all day! Join me in bringing the fanny-pack back into use. Amusement park attendee's of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your discomfort!

Sincerely -

An 'Average' Joe

Strange (but hopefully somewhat interesting) thoughts from a Sleep Deprived 'Average' Joe

Okay, here's some small, short thoughts all wrapped up into one post:

1) Has anyone else ever noticed that grape soda smells like dirt? It does! Next time you have some take a good whiff, you'll see I'm right.

2) Have you ever noticed that Ham Fried Rice smells and tastes like bacon fried rice when microwaved? Drives me crazy, if there's one thing that doesn't work, its soy sauce and bacon.

3) Does it drive anyone else crazy when people refer to some where south of them as up, and somewhere north of them as down? I agree with Treebeard the Ent, south is downhill. (that's a Lord of the Rings reference for those who haven't seen the movies as many times as I have.)

4)Who loves the Food Network? I do, but i'm pretty sure I have at least 10 extra pounds of body fat that I can blame on them. It's hard to disagree with an accomplished chef who insists on adding more butter to a dish.

5)Has anyone else noticed that sleep deprivation and an obsession with food seem to go hand in hand? I argue that it does, and submit this post as evidence of its truthfulness.

Thanks for reading this. I hope it hasn't turned you off of the blog. I promise not every post will be this strange.

Sincerely,

An 'Average' Joe

Awkward Conversation - Strike the correct tone

How many times in your life have you been talking to someone and they tell you something that derails the conversation. You're having a great time debating the merits of a TV show or the latest local gossip when... BAM!!! You're smacked in the face by something you never wanted to hear, and certainly don't want to discuss. For example, mid-conversation someone tells you that they have an particularly ugly and smelly foot fungus they picked up recently. How do you reply to something like that?

I can tell you something that can change your life and make those awkward conversations go away. It's one word, three little letters. You simply say... huh. Now a word of caution. The important aspect is not the word, but the tone. If your tone is too high, it expresses more interest and begs that they continue. An offhand remark about foot fungus is suddenly a very long discussion on their medical history. On the other side of the coin, if your tone is too low, it will express offense, even disdain. They may take offense, and your awkward conversation is now an awkward relationship.

But, should you master the correct tone of the word 'huh' you will enjoy a wonderful escape from awkward discussions. You will find that you have, in one three letter word, acknowledged their comment and politely declined to continue the topic. You will find it to be one of the most useful tools in your conversation tool belt and be very grateful to this 'average' Joe.

Sincerly

An 'average' Joe

The Origin of Blogging - Ender's Game

For my first post I thought it would be appropriate to blog about blogging. A week or so ago I was laying on the couch and it hit me: Orson Scott Card is a genius. He predicted blogging as a form of media that would be quite influential. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card was published in 1985, a great year for the world. A lot of great things happened that year. However, that year was essentially void of the internet, and certainly lacking blogs. In fact, Enders Game has three specific preditions that I thought were incredibly prophetic.

First, he predicted the internet. A mass form of communication that linked households throughout the world. Second, Peter and Valentine start writing articles on public pages sharing their ideas, opinions, and so forth, so similar to blogging its scary. Demosthenes (Valentine) and Locke (Peter) were essentially bloggers. Finally, Card predicted the use of tablets. Read the description of their computers again, it sounds exactly like an iPad.

So in conclusion, Orson Scott Card, the genius writer that he is, predicted the use of (1) the internet, (2) blogging as a form of journalism and political movement, and (3) the overwhelming use of tablet computers. Pretty interesting, isn't it.

Thank you for reading, another post will come soon. Please share this blog with as many people as you would like. And feel free to leave your comments and opinions.

an 'average' Joe

Ho Ho Ho - Who wants melon?

So, I was in the store the other day, checking out one of my favorite areas, the fruit section. It's a fantastic place, I was walking between the peaches and the melons, an there it was, the jolliest fruit of them all. It also happened a fruit I had never heard of, the Santa Claus Melon.

The name obviously caught my attention, as I am a huge fan of anything Christmas, so I bought one. Here's a picture of it:

This was one of the larger fruits. The outside was green, the inside was a lighter green. It was crisp, fresh and moderately sweet. The texture actually reminded me of squash. It was pretty tasty. The name, however, still seems silly to me. There's no red, no fuzziness, and its a summer fruit. It has nothing resembling the holiday of all holidays in any way, or Jolly Ole St. Nick. The color and shape seem better suited to be called the Easter Bunny Melon.

Well, let me know what you think the real Christmas fruit should be? What fruit is most worth of being Santa's namesake? Personally, I have no idea.

Sincerely,

An 'average' Joe

An Introduction

Hello -

My name is Joe. I'm an average guy. I've got a great family, a wonderful wife, and a fantastic interest in basically everything. My greatest hobby is observation. I love watching the world around me and thinking about what it means. This blog is intended to be a sounding board for many of these ideas as well as a forum for people to discuss those things that this 'average Joe' finds interesting. Some topics that we're certainly going to discuss are:

an 'Average' Joe

- Orson Scott Card's prediction of blogging as a forum for discussion in the future.

- Analyzing movies, TV shows, and other recent media in a way that makes sense.

- Social implications of current events, political leaders, etc.

- and much, much more.

I intend to post a blog around once a week, possibly more. Please feel free to comment on the posts and share the blog with other people. The more the merrier.

Thanks for participating, and if you ever have any questions, or would like to know what this 'average Joe' thinks of some topic, don't hesitate to ask.

Sincerely,

An 'average Joe'