It's Christmas time! Who doesn't love the Christmas spirit. I know that my posts typically falls on the less-than-serious side of life. That's good. I feel that I fall on the less-than-serious side of life. But in a very serious, nevertheless cheerful way, let me wish you a very merry Christmas. It truely is a wonderful time of year, and a holiday that deserves no reservations in laughter, joy, or charity. Merry Christmas!
Now, on a lighter note, I know that there are probably still a few things you need to do to complete your Christmas celebration. Even though it is December 23rd, I'm sure there are still a few gifts to buy, presents to wrap and decorations to be hung. Let me give you some advice on how to survive the last two days of the Christmas Season as a procrastinator. Heed my advice here, and you will find yourself successful in your Jolly endeavors. Ignore it, and you will find yourself lost in a sea of deseperation, ugly wrapping paper, and a reputation as a bad gift-giver.
First, and most importantly, aviod Walmart! Walmart brags of two things, low prices and a broad selection. You can buy nearly anything at Walmart, and usually at some pretty good prices. The problem is that you and about 2 billion other people, plan on taking advantage of those prices and selection in the next 48 hours. That is the perfect storm for bad last minute shopping! Let me describe to you how the trip to Walmart will go:
1) You enter the store and immediately get smashed in the knee by some vicious assassin. Yelling out in pain you look up to see the face of your attacker and you see the most frightening person imaginable, worse than Chuck Norris on sterroids. You see a mother of 5 children under the age of 10, who hasn't had a chance to shower in two days, hasn't slept since Thanksgiving, and whose kids having been in school since Wednesday. You will melt as you look into the face of your attacker and see the murderous desperation as she yells, "What, are you blind? Get out of my way!" Just move, my friend, as quickly as you can. Say nothing, aviod eye contact.
2) You wander around the store for the next 7 hours. Not out of choice mind you, you wanted to leave after the attack of the zero-sleep mother. You have been looking for something that you have bought at walmart a hundred times before, but can't find it. You did find it once, but an angry mob came down the aisle you were on and carried you away to the lawn and garden area, stealing your item out of your hands and dumping you on a lumpy pile of grass seed. You never found the item again.
3)After 7 hours of pure insanity, pain, and desperation, you grab a gift card, and get in line to check out. It is only now that you realized that there are only 2 casheirs working right now, one is older than constitution (probably dated Thomas Jefferson's father) and the other is 17, and sure to never had worked a cash registar in his life. The line goes from the cash registar back to the lawn and garden section where you were uncerimoniously dumped hours before. You softly weep as you walk back to the end of the line, and sit on your very familiar sack of lumpy grass seed, knowing full well, you will be sleeping there that night.
4) Leaving the store, you get in the car, a broken man (with a knee injury from the evil assisain near the entrance). You look down at your gift card purchase, only to realize that you just bought your wife a $30 gift card to Men's Warehouse. You consider going back in, but don't have the heart (or the time) and so you drive away.
The Second and Third points of advice are: Don't shop at Walmart withing 24 hours of Christmas and don't drive within 2 miles of the Walmart parking lot within 12 hours of Christmas. Basically, if you need to do any last minute shopping, avoid Walmart (or any other large discount retailer).
Merry Christmas!
Sincerly,
an 'average' Joe
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