Top Ramen: You never knew a dime could go so far!

My little sister moved to college today.  Congratulations, little sis!  You'll do great.  In her honor, and to help her out a little, I have decided that today's post will be a money saving oppurtunity.  I would like to give her, and all my readers, three great ways to use Top Ramen.  Now, a disclaimer, this advice is meant for entertainment only.  If you chose to try any of these three recipes please do so at your own risk, and don't blame me for any adverse affect to your breath, your social life or your colon. 

Now, the three great uses for Top Ramen:
1)A Delicious Soup - Nothing tastes better on a cold winter day than a hot pack of Top Ramen.  You can cook a package for next to nothing, and in next to no time.  I suggest you stick with the classics, beef or chicken flavor.  Don't expect there to actually be any beef or chicken, but the subtle flavor, masked by as much sodium as a person can safely consume will be enjoyable.  You'll love it.  I would recommend adding some peas and carrots to the broth for added flavor and improved texture.  Trust me, this dish can get you through the day, or at least to the next meal.

2)Collegiate Spagetti - Named for those who most commonly attempt this dish, collegiate spagetti is full of flavor, if you like ketchup and salt.  Just cook your noodles as usual, drain the broth, and add some ketchup.  If you're really handy in the kitchen, add some basil, or oregano.  Avoid anything with too much spice, as that can cause very adverse affects, including the possible implosion of your liver.  Also, while you may thing that ketchup is too expensive, remember, your local McDonald's has plenty of free ketchup packets.  Bon Appetite!

3)Cho Ramen Chow Mein - Take your taste buds east to Asia.  You'll love the simpleness of this recipe.  Just cook the noodles, drain the broth, put it back the pan with a little oil and stir-fry it up.  In the end, add a soy sauce packet or two that you can pick up at your local Panda Express.  For added cultural fun, grab a pair of chop sticks as well.  For instructions on how to use them, check youtube.  You'll love the flavor and really enjoy dive into east asian cuisine.

You probably never knew that Ramen Noodles could go so far.  Enjoy yourself as you discover the magical world the ten cents and a few packets stolen from your local fast food chain can do for you. 

Good luck to all you new college students.

Sincerely,

An 'average' Joe

Addendum/Retraction for Top 5 Best Worst Movies

So apparently there are some extreme Better Off Dead fans who read my blog, all of which were quite offended that I would add Better Off Dead to a list of 'bad' movies.  The Better Off Dead brigade did make a an excellent argument against it being a bad movie: it was intended to be what it was, a silly movie.  The story, acting and effects were right on target.  Calling this a bad movie is like referring to Tommy Boy as a bad movie.  They were accomplished exactly what they were meant to accomplish.  Therefore, I have decided to retract Better Off Dead as #2 on my list, and replace it with three more really great bad movies.

The moment I published the last post, I realized that I viciously neglected to include three other really great bad movies.  Preemptively, let me apologized if referring to these movies as bad offends anybody, I mean no offense.  Again, I love all of these movies, and while they are not Acadamy Award (or even Nickelodeon Award) worthy, I enjoy watching them again and again.  Here are the forgotten favorite bad movies to replace Better Off Dead:

1) Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
This is Kurt Russell at his best, and worst.  He plays the gruff and tough truck Jack Burton, who inadvertently gets sucked into an ancient Chinese war, which some how has migrated to Chinatown in San Francisco.  The effects in this movie are classic, and the Chinese warriors have great magic powers.  The 'storms' are especially fierce.  This movie's plot is the thing of dreams, bad dreams you have when you're sick with a fever.  However, Kurt Russell is genius, and his character has some of the best, most quotable lines of any movie ever made.  See it, and then watch it again and again.  You'll enjoy the journey.

2)Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)
This movie was intended to be the first of many adventures, in a series to rival James Bond or Jack Ryan.  The only problem is that this movie was a joke.  The acting is terrible, which is fine, because the story is so outlandish that you hardly notice.  Remo Williams is a ex-cop forcefully recruited to work as a super assassin for an agency intended to end the worst men of the world.  He is being trained by Chun, the Korean  martial arts master who can teach Remo to do great things, such as run on sand leaving no footprints and dodging bullets by listening to the hand muscles of the attacker.  That being said, the dialogue is very entertaining, the characters are wonderfully simple, and story is actually quite exciting.  I definitely recommend this movie as one of the best of the worst.  Add it to your library, and then be grateful they never made a sequel.

3)The Last Starfighter (1986)
Who ever said video games get you no where.  This movie proves otherwise when an intelligent boy living in the middle of nowhere beats an arcade game located in his trailer park and WHAM!  He's quickly visited by an alien who recruits him to serve as a starfighter in the intergalactic military.  He not only joins the alliance, he survives as the last starfighter, and saves the frontier from the emperor's evil (and really strange looking) son Xur and the Kodan Armada.  This is one of my favorite movies as well, with some great scenes, some fantastic characters, and a lot of funny situations.  If you can get past the side kick alien who looks like an iguana and is very in touch with his feminine side, you'll love it as much as I do.

Well, that's all folks.  Three more great bad movies to add to the list, and one removed.  Have fun with them.  My guess is that most of them are free on Netflix.  I'd recommend giving them a try.  You'll love them if you can let go of any desire for quality, and focus on the 'bright side' of terrible movies.

Sincerely,

An 'average' Joe

Top 5 Best Worst Movies: The ones you never should have seen, but have seen over and over.

What is a best worst movie? Its the type of movie that has no plot, terrible acting, obviously fake effects, and yet still seems to win our hearts, if not our obsession. I once read that a good movie is remembered while it's in the public's eye, a bad movie becomes part of us. We share it and spread it around like a bad cold. Well, I thought I would do my part and give you the list of five really bad movies that I love, and recommend that you see.

5) Capricorn One (1978)

This movie is a class great bad movie. It has it all. The plot is strange and hard to follow. The acting, while not bad, is crippled by cheezy lines. The movie itself has multiple really boring parts. That being said, I love this movie. It's a pure, classic conspiracy theory. There are a few really funny lines. I think you'll really enjoy it. This, by the way, is the only movie to make the list and not come out of the 80's. Not a surprising thought when one remembers the music and fashion to also come out of the 80's. It was a strange time and deserves to be remembered.

4)The Labyrinth (1986)

What happens when you combine David Bowie and the Muppets. Not a new take on classic literature. The muppets have done some seriously strange movies, but this one takes the cake and earns itself a place on this list. The two high points of the movie are David Bowie's song "Magic Dance." It's kinda creepy, fun to watch, and it cracks me up that he's holding a microphone, but never seems to put it by his mouth. Weird show! Word of warning, NEVER watch this show and eat pepperoni pizza, it will give you the strangest dreams you've ever had.

3) Condorman (1981)

This movie is a really funny movie from the 1980's starring the same man who was the original Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. Its about a comic book artist who ends up working as a super spy for the CIA. They travel all over Turkey, and end up in Monte Carlo. It has some of the worst writing ever, but the show is so much fun. I love it. You will too. Another warning, this movie has become a cult classic, so the DVD is VERY expensive (Don't expect a blue-ray to be released any time soon either) If you are dying to see it, let me know, I have a copy. By the way, despite what must be thousands of years of scientific evidence proving it impossible, Condorman actually flies using the wings in the picture to the left.

2)Better Off Dead (1985)

This movie will make you laugh harder than anything else you've ever seen. Of all the possible John Cusack movies that could have made this list, Better Off Dead won by a mile. The best friend is hilarious, the situations are so genius, and the story... well let's forget the story. It is a strange but intoxicating show. You will find yourself quoting it over and over, and laughing anytime any mentions street racing. I do have to say, watch out of the claymation hamburger scene, it will freak you out. This one, however, is a real keeper.

1)Time Bandits (1981)

This movie wins the award of the best worst moive! It has huge actors such as Sean Connery, John Cleese, and Shelley Duvall. The basic plot is too hard to explain, but it involves a team of little people, who stole a map that helps them travel through time stealing things. They accidentally kidnap a young boy meet Napoleon, Robin Hood, a greek royal, and end up combating pure evil. Overall, there is no plot. Once you see this show, you will never forget it. 

Well, watch these movies if you dare and open yourself up to the possibilites of great bad movie. But don't say I didn't warn you, you will never be the same after you have seen David Bowie as the Goblin King, John Cusack learn to ski to impress a girl, a group of 5 little people ripping off Napoleon, a comic book artist become a world class spy, and the government fake a Mars landing.

Sincerely,

An 'Average' Joe

Death by Super-Sonic Plastic Bag

Yesterday, I nearly died!  I'm not kidding.  This story deserves telling.  I was driving down the freeway, going maybe 70 mph.  It was a very hot day, and my air conditioner is on strike, and has refused to work for the entire summer.  As a result, I had to drive with the windows down.

Now, I've found that the best way to unroll the windows is to lower the front window on the driver's side all the way down, and the rear window on the passenger's side half way down. (It would be all the way down, but for those pesky child locks.)  Anyway, the windows were thus positioned, and I was happily driving a brisk 70 mph singing one of my favorite songs at the top of my lungs when I was suddenly, and viciously, attacked.

I was terrified, what ever was attacking me had a firm grip on the back of my head, and was pulling on my ear with a vengeance.  The already deafening sound of the car was washed out by this terrible animal's noise.  I reached up and ripped it from my head only to find that the terrible beast was nothing more than a plastic grocery sack blown into my car by the wind on the freeway.  No sooner had I made this discovery when the crazed animal lunged out of my hands and into the wind once again, surely to prey on some other poor driver with a broken air conditioner.

The moral of this story is: 1) never underestimate the power and danger of an angry plastic bag.  When they become angry, they also become vindictive and cruel. 2) Be careful not to open your windows too wide and drive too fast, apparently if you open them too wide, you open yourself to attack from freeway garbage. 3) If you, like me, find yourself victim of an angered plastic bag don't panic.  I repeat:  DON'T PANIC!  Their rustle is worse than their bite.

Good luck in your journeys.  May you travel safer than I have recently.

Sincerely,

an 'average' Joe