Numerology by an Average Joe

It has been said that numbers can carry a greater meaning than simply giving a numeric value. In many cases numbers are linked to superstition, religions, cultures, and (even more vague and mysterious) statistics. The symbolism and meaning behind numbers can seem very complicated, so let me simplify it for you. I have assembled a list of what I believe to be some of the luckiest number-related happenings. Many of these events have happened in my own life, and I can tell you that luck has certainly followed.

First, (this happened to me yesterday) if you ever have a total bill for $7.11 at 7-11, that is a good sign. Something good is coming your way, like a slurpee.  This amazing event brings with it outstanding luck.  As a matter of fact, I'm fairly sure that the only thing luckier is if you spend $7.11 at 7-11 on 7/11! If that ever happens, go ahead and throw caution into the wind, my friend, because you are untouchable. You are so lucky, you could even buy a hot dog at 7-11 and you probably won't die of food poisoning or a spontaneous rupture in your small intestine (a common, but little known side affect of 7-11 hot dogs). Make sure you give it a go on July 11th this year.

The next numeric sign of good luck is far more common. If you ever look at a digital clock (must be digital) at exactly 12:34 in the afternoon, the rest of your day will be fantastic. Now, for this to work there are a few rules. First, you cannot plan or anticipate it happening, it has to be accidental and spontaneous, true serendipity. Second, it has to be 12:34 in the afternoon, if it happens at 12:34 in the morning you have a two things working against you: a) in military time, which is far more precise (numbers prefer precision) it is actually 00:34, which is neither cool, nor lucky. And b) YOU'RE AWAKE AT 12:34 AM!!! Get some rest.  No day will be lucky if you sleep through it.

Finally, if you ever see the number 3.14 (π) in any form (3/14, 3 1/4, 3.14, 3:14, $3.14, etc) and you eat pie on the same day, you will have extra luck as well. Pie and Pi (π) are two different things that are actually cosmically related. I made a chart to explain.

So, after looking at the chart and realizing the infallible logic involved, it becomes painfully clear that any time pi and pie are connected in some way, luck will follow.

Hopefully this brief explanation of luck and numerology will prove beneficial to you as you journey through life day by day. I have found that is has made my life much more enjoyable. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, 'Joe' based numerology only brings good luck, never bad. I'm just an optimistic guy.

Sincerely,

An 'Average' Joe

The Groom's Guide to Planning a Wedding

I have a few friends this summer who are taking the plunge into the pool of matrimonial bliss.  With that in mind I want to say congratulations to all of those who are getting married.  No state of being provides as much joy or happiness in this life.
For those of you currently taking the plunge, let me give you some advice.  Now I know you're getting tons of marriage advice, some good (focus on service and patience), and some not as good (don't forget which toothbrush is yours), but all of it is focused on the time after your wedding.  The real challenge in marriage is getting to the wedding.  Being engaged has nice points, but it is also a period of stress, uncertainty, changing relationships, and dangerous expectations.  My advice, therefore, will not be marriage advice, it will be engagement advice.  I will help you navigate the social minefeild that is engagement.

The first rule, and really the only rule, is that she is right.  It doesn't really matter who she is (fiance, mother, mother-in-law-to be, 87 year old woman next door) she is right, and if you differ in opinion, you are not.  This is one of the most timeless and unchanging laws of nature.  Though your opinion may be asked for on every detail, don't be surprised when none of your opinions are used or even recognized during your engagement.  Don't misunderstand me, marriage is meant to be a bond of equality, with neither the husband nor the wife as the dominant force.   That is not the case during the engagement period.  While engaged she is in charge, you are not.  If there is a difference of opinion on what color to use, what invitations to purchase, or what tuxedo you should rent, go with her idea.  Why?  Because she's right!

Now, you may think this means you have no responsibilities, right? Wrong!  You may not have any decision making powers, but you certainly have responsibilities.  They are to 1) facilitate and 2) support.  Each one of these is very important.  According to Webster Dictionary, to facilitate means to make easier or assist in the progress of something.  That means you do what you can to make it easier on her.  Bring her food when she's out looking at florists or photographers all day.  If there's some other task, non-wedding related, that she need help with, help her out.  If she's feeling so tired she can't think straight, don't beg her to go see the Avengers for the 9th time that week, take her home and let her go to bed.  Facilitate the wedding planning process.

Second, Support the wedding plans.  That means whatever she chooses, do it with a smile on your face.  If she says, I want you to wear a bright orange tux with little blinking LED lights in the lapels, put that jacket on and act like it's the sexiest tux ever tailored.  If she asks you to go with her to shop for bridesmaid dresses, something no groom has ever or will ever pay attention to, offer to drive.  Go, smile, and when she asks you what you think, respond with anything, I repeat ANYTHING other than "I don't care."  You may not care, you may never really care, but that's not important.  What's important is that she feels like you've got her back and she has support.

So again, congratulations and may your marriage be filled with joy and happiness.  But for now, remember, she's right and your job is to facilitate (make easier) and support (showing up physically AND mentally).  Just remember guys, play your cards right now, and she'll make you happier than anything for the rest of your life. 
Oh, and a special thank you to my wife, who I'm certain was far more patient with me than I realize during our engagement.  She's amazing.

Sincerely,
An 'Average' Joe

Play with your food, it may taste better!

One of the best things in the world is cake. Who doesn't love cake? However, the greatest kind of cake, by far, is the Bundt cake. A Bundt cake is king! It's even shaped like a crown. It doesn't matter the flavor, just being a Bundt makes it the best. Why? There's a hole in the middle! I'm not sure why baking cake batter in the shape of a ring makes such a big difference, but it does (see donuts as further proof). At the end of the day, that's really the only difference. Conclusion: The shape of your food matters.

The shape of the food doesn't just affect cakes, it affects everything. For example, any type pasta is basically the same thing in different shapes. It's amazing how the same dough molded into forms can change the flavor of the food. Have you ever had alfredo sauce over spaghetti noodles? It's not right! It doesn't just look off, it tastes off. Have you ever tried to put macaroni in lasagna? Failure, once again! Each type of noodle is made from the same dough recipe. The only difference is the shape, and it matters.

Another example of shape making all the difference is Mexican food. Let's face it; most dishes are the same ingredients in different forms. Burritos are just big tacos that you close. Enchiladas are basically small burritos smothered in sauce. Tostadas are just the product of someone forgetting to close the hard taco shell before they fried it. In the end, they are the same dish served in different formats. Again, you think that since we chew food the layout or shape of the dish wouldn't matter. Put the same ingredients in and it will taste the same, right? Wrong! Anybody who knows Mexican food knows that a Tostada tastes nothing like a burrito (and frankly are far more hazardous, but that's another story).

So always remember how important the shape of your food can be. If something you cook tastes nasty, shape it differently. If you make tuna casserole that doesn't get the family excited, cut it into a circle and call it something else, like Tuna Rolloni. They won’t just love it, they'll brag about you to their friends (my mom makes the best Tuna Rolloni in the world) If you bake some cookies and accidentally switch the measurements of salt and sugar, cut them into triangles and put a little glaze on top (glaze is just wet sugar). It will be the life of the party and people will beg you for your recipe. As we have learned from Bundt cake, pasta, and Mexican food, what really matters in the shape, so be creative.

Sincerely,

an "average" Joe

Who better to fix our TV shows than Colin Powell?

Colin Powell is one of the greatest military leaders of our times. One of his contributions to American foreign policy is the Powell Doctrine. It is a list of questions to ask before engaging in an international conflict.  If all of the questions can be answered in the affirmative, then it may be appropriate for a country to use military action. Here are the questions:

1.      Is a vital national security interest threatened?

2.      Do we have a clear attainable objective?

3.      Have the risks and costs been fully and frankly analyzed?

4.      Have all other non-violent policy means been fully exhausted?

5.      Is there a plausible exit strategy to avoid endless entanglement?

6.      Have the consequences of our action been fully considered?

7.      Is the action supported by the American people?

8.      Do we have genuine broad international support?^[1]

Now, as a student of International Relations, I have studied the Powell Doctrine and have found it to be incredibly useful. But the Powell Doctrine is not limited to simply weighing whether or not we should send our troops into battle (although that is certainly the most important thing it does). It can also be applied to whether or not a TV show should exist. The same principles apply. Let me walk you through each questions, adjusting them to fit TV rather than international conflict.

1) Is the TV show going to satisfy a national television interest? If not, don't make it. Don't make shows that nobody is going to care about (I'd name some, but I don't care about them enough to know what they are called). Don't make shows that are just a copy cat of other shows (How many versions of American Idol can we come up with).

2) Does the show have a clear intelligible plot? I cannot tell you how many shows I have stopped watching because I couldn't keep track of who was who and what the heck was going on. Battlestar Galactica, while good, had too many main characters to track. And have you seen Once upon a Time? These are fairytales we grew up with, and I'm completely lost!

3) Has the plot been fully thought out? How many shows have you seen that they seem to be making the plot up as they go? Or aren't sure what the plot even is? I know White Collar gave me emotional whiplash with how many times the main character goes from loyal partner to lying jerk.

4) Have all other good shows been completed? Who isn't tired of good shows being cancelled to make room for shows we wish we'd never heard of?  Life, starting Damian Lewis, was a great show. It had two fantastic seasons, the second of which was by far the better one. Then WHAM!!! No more Life! I'm not sure what took its place, but I'm sure it wasn't worth losing a show we all loved.  If you're going to cancel a TV show, please finish the story.

5) Do you have a plausible plan to end the series? One of the worst things that can happen to a TV show is that it makes it to a 5th season. Before a network begins a new series, they need to ask themselves how the story will end. Monk, Bones, House, and Psych all suffer from this.  Now it seems that Castle is dragging us down the road of never-ending conspiracies and plot twists.  Please, don't destroy our favorite shows because you want to get syndicated.  The only thing worse than a good show being cancelled is watching what used to be a good show and wishing they would cancel it. 

6) Are we sure we have enough material to actually do a show? The purpose of point number 6 in the Powell Doctrine is to double check that we've covered everything else. With regards to TV, the writers and producers should ask themselves, are we sure we have enough material to make a TV show? Some great examples are Psych and Community, two of the funniest shows I've ever seen. But let’s face it, you know the writers are running out of ideas when every episode is based on some movie, or set of movies, rather than coming up with their own plots. Here's a good rule of thumb, when you've done 5 movie themed episodes in a row, it’s time to call it quits.

7-8) Is anyone going to want to watch the show?  The last two principles of the Powell Doctrine apply to television in the same way.  Unfortunately, many good shows are ignored, while many bad shows are watched by everyone and their dog. Why does television make bad shows? Simply because we watch them!  I know that bad TV can be addicting (I once watched an entire season of the Bachelor).   Fight it! Stand up for yourself! If you can't muster the courage to quit bad TV for yourself then quit bad TV for the people you love. Stop watching the dumb shows so that your loved ones are not subjected to them. They will thank you someday.

May your television be filled with good plots, interesting characters, and a clear ending.

Sincerely,

An 'average' Joe