The Bye Week

Between Christmas and New Years lies an awkward week when the world refuses to work, but has nothing planned. It is a dull week wedged between the climax of one year and the beginning of the next. I call this week the "bye week."  It is a week of wasting time, accomplishing nothing, and doing so proudly.
The bye week comes but once a year, and so to help you make the least of this time I have compiled a list of great time-wasting activities for your enjoyment. These activities have a few traits in common.  1) They take time, something you lack most of the year, but have in excess on the bye week. 2) The only thing they provide is something to brag about when you don’t care to impress anyone. 3) They can be a lot of fun.

However, before I we proceed I must warn you, this list is only for use during the bye week. Use of it any other time of year will get you labeled as a lazy-good-for-nothing by your parents, your boss, and that member of the opposite sex you want to impress.  Now, for the fun:
 
1)Movie Marathons
Years ago, a ironic genius took the word ‘marathon’ (one of greatest tests of physical endurance known to man) and put the word 'movie' in front of it, creating one of the laziest things man can do. Movie marathons are the perfect activity for the bye week. They provide mindless entertainment for an extend period of time. I would suggest a theme marathon.  For example you could choose a series such as Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or James Bond. Another option would be to choose an actor, for example, Val Kilmer movies.  You can be very creative on the themes.  Some ideas include movies about a particular historical event, movies that all take place in the same place (such as Pennsylvania), or movies with a title that gives away the plot.  It doesn't matter what you watch, it matters that you watched too much while consuming way too many calories.

2)Puzzles
This may be the world’s greatest time-wasting activity. Here's a brief review of how to do a puzzle. First, you see a picture on a box. Second, you open the box and dump out a bunch of little pieces out that are all different shapes and sizes. Third, you painstakingly place each piece in the exact position necessary to complete the puzzle (this step is dangerous, because if you lose even one piece, you compromise your sanity). Finally, you finish the puzzle and get to look at the very same picture you saw on the front of the box hours before. If you are looking for the perfect bye week activity, you've found it!
 
3)Facebook Social Games
There are tons of these games. You've seen the invites, the notifications, and the requests over and over. You, like everyone else, have probably unfriended at least 11 people because they played these games and flooded your facebook page with their never ending requests. Well, the bye week is the perfect time to give in and satisfy your curiosity.  Go ahead and see what these games are all about. You can try any of them, Farmville, Mafia Wars, Castleville...the list goes on.  Work hard at it, send the invites, and invest the time. You'll find a great sense of achievement when you've reached a level 30 on whatever game you've chosen, and your virtual assets are in the billions. It's your turn to annoy everyone you know with those requests. You may even spark up some old friendships getting your virtual empire up and running. Just remember, at the end of the bye week, all of this will be meaningless, and you're going to have to give up the game entirely.  Quitting cold turkey may seem easy now, but once your addicted you’ll have withdrawals (and relapses can be embarrassing).
 
So as you chose which bye week activity you're going to use, remember that all great time wasting activities have two things in common: you get a sense of accomplishment after having accomplished nothing and you're embarrassed to talk about it in front of your in-laws.
 
Happy Bye Week!

Sincerely,

an 'average' Joe

A Procrastinators Guide to Surviving Christmas Eve (and Christmas Eve-Eve)

It's Christmas time!  Who doesn't love the Christmas spirit. I know that my posts typically falls on the less-than-serious side of life. That's good.  I feel that I fall on the less-than-serious side of life.  But in a very serious, nevertheless cheerful way, let me wish you a very merry Christmas.  It truely is a wonderful time of year, and a holiday that deserves no reservations in laughter, joy, or charity.  Merry Christmas!

Now, on a lighter note, I know that there are probably still a few things you need to do to complete your Christmas celebration.  Even though it is December 23rd, I'm sure there are still a few gifts to buy, presents to wrap and decorations to be hung.  Let me give you some advice on how to survive the last two days of the Christmas Season as a procrastinator.  Heed my advice here, and you will find yourself successful in your Jolly endeavors.  Ignore it, and you will find yourself lost in a sea of deseperation, ugly wrapping paper, and a reputation as a bad gift-giver.

First, and most importantly, aviod Walmart!  Walmart brags of two things, low prices and a broad selection.  You can buy nearly anything at Walmart, and usually at some pretty good prices.  The problem is that you and about 2 billion other people, plan on taking advantage of those prices and selection in the next 48 hours.   That is the perfect storm for bad last minute shopping!  Let me describe to you how the trip to Walmart will go:

1) You enter the store and immediately get smashed in the knee by some vicious assassin.  Yelling out in pain you look up to see the face of your attacker and you see the most frightening person imaginable, worse than Chuck Norris on sterroids.  You see a mother of 5 children under the age of 10, who hasn't had a chance to shower in two days, hasn't slept since Thanksgiving, and whose kids having been in school since Wednesday.  You will melt as  you look into the face of your attacker and see the murderous desperation as she yells, "What, are you blind?  Get out of my way!" Just move, my friend, as quickly as you can.  Say nothing, aviod eye contact.

2) You wander around the store for the next 7 hours.  Not out of choice mind you, you wanted to leave after the attack of the zero-sleep mother.  You have been looking for something that you have bought at walmart a hundred times before, but can't find it.  You did find it once, but an angry mob came down the aisle you were on and carried you away to the lawn and garden area, stealing your item out of your hands and dumping you on a lumpy pile of grass seed.  You never found the item again. 

3)After 7 hours of pure insanity, pain, and desperation, you grab a gift card, and get in line to check out.  It is only now that you realized that there are only 2 casheirs working right now, one is older than constitution (probably dated Thomas Jefferson's father) and the other is 17, and sure to never had worked a cash registar in his life.  The line goes from the cash registar back to the lawn and garden section where you were uncerimoniously dumped hours before.  You softly weep as you walk back to the end of the line, and sit on your very familiar sack of lumpy grass seed, knowing full well, you will be sleeping there that night.

4) Leaving the store, you get in the car, a broken man (with a knee injury from the evil assisain near the entrance).  You look down at your gift card purchase, only to realize that you just bought your wife a $30 gift card to Men's Warehouse.  You consider going back in, but don't have the heart (or the time) and so you drive away.

The Second and Third points of advice are:  Don't shop at Walmart withing 24 hours of Christmas and don't drive within 2 miles of the Walmart parking lot within 12 hours of Christmas.  Basically, if you need to do any last minute shopping, avoid Walmart (or any other large discount retailer).

Merry Christmas! 

Sincerly,

an 'average' Joe

It's not as good as a hot dog, but it's free!

Many people shop at warehouse stores such as Costco and Sam's Club for the benefits of bulk purchases, reduced cost, or the exercise involved in pushing an overloaded cart over three miles of aisles crowded with other people pushing oversized carts. It's an exciting experience no one should go without (and few people have). As for me, I love those stores because of the food. Don't be confused, I'm not talking about the large polish dogs that taste great but come with a heartburn backed guarantee. I'm talking about the free food; the reason children (and men in general) agree to accompany the women in their lives to Costco: the samples! Well, my brothers, today I am going provide you with a tactical approach to Costco samples that will vastly improve your Costco experience, giving you a great meal that will cost you little more than a bit of time (and possibly your dignity).

Step 1: Clean hands, clean grabs

As in all battle plans, preparation is the key. In this case, preparation means removing anything that makes your hands recognizable. That means no rings, no watches, and no painted fingernails (hopefully that last one goes without saying for all the gentleman).  If you're really serious about the craft I would suggest shaving your hands and getting a manicure to clean up those fingernails. The point of this preparation is to prevent the sample-servers from recognizing your hand as you go back for seconds (or thirds, or fourths). The goal of the operation is to get as many of your favorite samples as possible; ideally, the only part of you the servers will ever see is your hands.

Step 2: The eyes are the window... use the side door

Stealth is the key to getting the good samples repeatedly. There are a few keys to being stealth-like while pushing an oversized cart through a crowd of people. First, NEVER make eye contact. If you do, that sample booth is done; they will recognize you (and nothing hurts an ego more than having a middle-aged woman tell you to act your age in front of a bunch of 10 year-olds). Second, don't hover. If you hover, you'll get noticed. Nothing blows your cover worse than a little chit-chat with the sample-server. If you must stand close, act like your shopping. I suggest holding up some random item, pointing at it and yell as if talking to someone on the other side of the warehouse ("Is this the ground pork you wanted? I'm not sure how lean it is...")

Step 3: Don't let pride (or adulthood) get in the way

This is where you have to remember that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Those little 10 year-olds have nothing on you. You have the height, the reach, and strength. If one of those little kids tries to push past you, keep your stance firm. Don't push him (you'll get arrested) but hold your stance. Lock your elbows, reach over the top of them, and most of all make sure you practice your glare. Nothing is more effective at holding off a group of 10 year-olds then a good glare (picture a really grumpy old man and emulate). They'll back off.  Just don't let your 'maturity' get in the way. It's the downfall of many of the greatest contenders.

Just remember that you can either get a small sample that will only arouse your appetite and be hungry through the rest of the store; or you can use these simple tips and have a great meal. Just don't let your wife (or anyone else you want whose respect you hope to maintain) know what you’re doing. Like I said before, this meal is easy on the wallet, but hard on the dignity.

Bon Appétit -

An 'average' Joe

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The Modern 'Roughing-It'

Mankind has always had a simple way to prove its strength, power, and natural abilities: the art of 'roughing it'.  'Roughing-it' is basically when a man (or woman, but not as often due to higher intelligence and sense) goes into something, such as camping trip, hunting, traveling, etc. woefully unprepared on purpose, determined that through sheer talent and ability, all will go well.  The stories that result from 'roughing it' come in one of two forms: (1) a grossly exagerated victory speech by the man who just had the most miserable experience of his life but insists it was exactly what he needed and/or intended, or (2) as a story on the 10 o'clock news. 

These days a new form of 'roughing it' has emerged that I am excited to say can cause little to no physical harm, though it does put yourself at risk emotionally and socially.  What is it, you ask... using inadequately low-tech gear!  For example, why pay the money for an expensive GPS navigation system in your car?  You've got a printer and google maps!  Just print them out and see what happens.  Usually, you'll be just fine.  If you hide the paper and make some convienent bathroom stops, you may even be able to claim you have a great sense of direction, something no man was ever born with (remember, Columbus was trying to get to India).  Just remember that google maps do not 'recalculate' should you make a wrong turn and get yourself lost (something I learned the hard way in the bay area in 2006). 

Another example of the modern 'roughing it', is using a dumb phone (aka a phone that does nothing except that which phones originally did).  Simply know the numbers of least 4 people that have a smart phone or another device with an internet connection (my mom, my sister-in-law, and my two little sisters are always on or near their devices).  If you need something looked up, just call one of them.  This form of modern roughing it can be very impressive if you pull it off.  You just say, "let me contact one of my people for that information." and discretely call one of your contacts.  If you get the information your friends and associates will think, "Wow, he's got people!  I wish I had people.  All I have is the stupid smart phone."  If you don't get the information, they will be thinking, "Wow, his people stink, I'll bet he just called his mom." and the mocking will begin. 

There are many advantages to this new form of roughing it: 1) No wild animals to eat you and so forth, 2) Zero possiblity of it making national television should something go wrong, and 3) food poisoning (and the unfortunate experience of having food poisoning while 'roughing it') is basically impossible.  Disadvantages, however, exist as well: 1) you are not secluded, people will notice any mistakes (and likely mock your inadequate low-tech gear), 2) should you fail, you cannot exaggerate the experience to your favor (again, you are with people), and finally, 3) there are no points for being 'brave enough' to try it.  You'll just look cheap and stupid.  Beware failure!

So head out and try the new form of roughing it.  Enjoy the lack of bear attacks and other bodily perils, and be sure to have a back-up plan should your mom not answer her phone.  Remember.  Most of the time, roughing it (whether the new form or the old form) simply results in borrowing a prepared persons stuff.  Good luck!

Sincerely,

an "average" Joe