It's not as good as a hot dog, but it's free!

Many people shop at warehouse stores such as Costco and Sam's Club for the benefits of bulk purchases, reduced cost, or the exercise involved in pushing an overloaded cart over three miles of aisles crowded with other people pushing oversized carts. It's an exciting experience no one should go without (and few people have). As for me, I love those stores because of the food. Don't be confused, I'm not talking about the large polish dogs that taste great but come with a heartburn backed guarantee. I'm talking about the free food; the reason children (and men in general) agree to accompany the women in their lives to Costco: the samples! Well, my brothers, today I am going provide you with a tactical approach to Costco samples that will vastly improve your Costco experience, giving you a great meal that will cost you little more than a bit of time (and possibly your dignity).

Step 1: Clean hands, clean grabs

As in all battle plans, preparation is the key. In this case, preparation means removing anything that makes your hands recognizable. That means no rings, no watches, and no painted fingernails (hopefully that last one goes without saying for all the gentleman).  If you're really serious about the craft I would suggest shaving your hands and getting a manicure to clean up those fingernails. The point of this preparation is to prevent the sample-servers from recognizing your hand as you go back for seconds (or thirds, or fourths). The goal of the operation is to get as many of your favorite samples as possible; ideally, the only part of you the servers will ever see is your hands.

Step 2: The eyes are the window... use the side door

Stealth is the key to getting the good samples repeatedly. There are a few keys to being stealth-like while pushing an oversized cart through a crowd of people. First, NEVER make eye contact. If you do, that sample booth is done; they will recognize you (and nothing hurts an ego more than having a middle-aged woman tell you to act your age in front of a bunch of 10 year-olds). Second, don't hover. If you hover, you'll get noticed. Nothing blows your cover worse than a little chit-chat with the sample-server. If you must stand close, act like your shopping. I suggest holding up some random item, pointing at it and yell as if talking to someone on the other side of the warehouse ("Is this the ground pork you wanted? I'm not sure how lean it is...")

Step 3: Don't let pride (or adulthood) get in the way

This is where you have to remember that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Those little 10 year-olds have nothing on you. You have the height, the reach, and strength. If one of those little kids tries to push past you, keep your stance firm. Don't push him (you'll get arrested) but hold your stance. Lock your elbows, reach over the top of them, and most of all make sure you practice your glare. Nothing is more effective at holding off a group of 10 year-olds then a good glare (picture a really grumpy old man and emulate). They'll back off.  Just don't let your 'maturity' get in the way. It's the downfall of many of the greatest contenders.

Just remember that you can either get a small sample that will only arouse your appetite and be hungry through the rest of the store; or you can use these simple tips and have a great meal. Just don't let your wife (or anyone else you want whose respect you hope to maintain) know what you’re doing. Like I said before, this meal is easy on the wallet, but hard on the dignity.

Bon Appétit -

An 'average' Joe

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